when the levee breaks…
it finally happened today… came home from work, and brett was still in bed. i woke him up and was so tired i didn’t even want to go back upstairs for a smoke with steve. so we laid in bed for a few minutes, and he decided not to go to his first class. he said something about letting me sleep and went to leave. something in me broke; i don’t know what or why but i just looked at him and said, “this would usually be the part where you tell me how pretty i am even though i feel like shit,” he seemed surprised for a moment, and then said “i think you’re gorgeous,” in his cute little ‘i’m going to humor your insecurities’ voice and hugged me. i felt my body began to shake, and then without a real solid thought or decision, i just started talking. i said everything i have been bottling up for the past 8 months, every mean and hurtful thing that has ever crossed my mind, all of my fears and wounds he has given me, every one of his flaws and the ways he makes me feel. i said it in a quiet, calm voice, sketching out for him the portrait of chaos my heart has become.
“my relationship with you is like giving a man dying of dehydration glasses of salt water. i keep begging for more, but every glass brings me closer to the end,”
i felt him crying against my shoulder, but i couldn’t bring myself to comfort him. the sick part is, i wanted to so desperately. i wanted to apologize for his mistakes. he raised his head and looked at me, with the strangest expression i’ve ever seen on his face: sincere anguish. “i’m sorry,” he said. my lips smiled, but my voice was hard as i replied, “are you really? have you ever really loved anyone? do you really love me?” the anger that came in to his eyes surprised me. “of course i have, and of course i do. it’s one of the only emotions i am ever sure of in my mind. i can feel that, and i know it’s real. i know i love you,” i was scared for a moment that i had pushed him too far, and felt guilty for taking cheap shots.
you have to understand something at this point. all of the pain, and anger, and unfairness and confusion and everything else going on in my head still didn’t overpower the love i felt and still feel for him. this wasn’t about giving up or ending the relationship or anything, nor did i expect him to immediately change and everything be sunshine and rainbows. that’s not how it works. but i needed to say these things; i needed to make him understand that me having a mental breakdown every month and him responding by nodding and smiling blankly until i was done ranting, telling me everything i wanted to hear, and then going on as normal was not how i wanted this relationship to be. i explained to him how i was trying to change literally every facet of my life in order to make him—and myself, don’t worry—happy, and how i didn’t understand how he, as a student of psychology, could sit there and be so content with his disorders and defense mechanisms and living the way he had since highschool, with the same group of friends from hishschool, who were all content to stay the dysfunctional group they were. i cannot heal in a place where everyone loves having their wounds as an excuse to act the way they do. i cannot grow in a place where dead rot and weeds are encouraged, where old broken things are kept for nothing but nostalgic value.
i cannot be this person anymore and my heart is broken because i thought he, of all people, would be the one to finally help me, and he let me down.
so the words have been said. i cannot take them back, and i feel infinitely lighter for it. i slept a deep sleep after he left and woke up feeling very calm. unfortunately it’s the false come that i feel when i get so over-emotional that my emotions just shut off, but it will keep me going for the night and tomorrow we can talk for real. he seemed very sincere; i have only ever seen him cry one other time and it took a very serious matter indeed for that to happen, so to see that i could make him feel even that much was a sign of proof in my eyes at least.
i suppose all i can do now is wait and see. i was distant with him tonight but he accepted it; he cooked supper, got me energy drinks, and was very attentive. however this is the pattern of all our little ‘spats’, and i am worried nothing will have changed by tomorrow. but i have to trust him. i have to have more faith in him than he does himself, or this will never work.
i do not want to lose him, but at what point does Lana Del Ray become incorrect? his happiness is paramount to my own…. but my own happiness does still count. it’s a fine line. i hope i don’t fall on the wrong side…